Final Blog - Question 5

Dear Diary,

Today is a bittersweet day. I finally worked up the nerve to perform “Don’t Be Afraid” for a small crowd right here in Fanjeaux. I don’t remember exactly who was there, but I do remember Philippe and Pierre being there. Part of me really wished that Philippe had some noble emergency that he had to attend to, because it was very awkward to have my husband listening while I was singing a song about Pierre. I can’t be with him, because he is of lower class than I am, and I am already married to a nobleman.

Philippe seemed to not be listening to me at first. Although it’s viewed highly that a woman knows music, he thinks that the kind of songs I write are just silly. They’re not sophisticated enough for him, but little does he know, they’re full of feeling. Anyway, I could tell when I started that he wasn’t really listening and it made me less nervous. However, as the song went on, I could see his ears perking up out of the corner of my eye. My heart started to pump a little faster, but I tried to ignore the fact he was there. That’s horrible to say; he’s my husband. I should be in love with him and grateful he’s listening, but I know he’s not listening because he likes it – he’s listening because he’s curious. Let’s face it – I’m not in love. With him at least.

Pierre however, oh Pierre. HIM I’m in love with. He was standing right in the middle of the crowd staring at me with those dark brown eyes. Why do I love him so much? He’s “only” a knight. I say “only” because that’s what everyone else thinks. I think it’s such a brave job, and I don’t understand why I can’t love him, other than the fact I’m married. (I’d prefer to ignore that tiny detail…) When I was singing, he knew, I could tell, that it was for him. Deep in those eyes I could see that he felt the same way I did. I could see both the love and the sadness that we could never be together.

I’m really hoping that no one else could tell what was going on – that I’m in love with someone other than Philippe. It scares me, because I did see a few people giving each other questionable looks and I heard some whispers. My only hope is that because it’s generally frowned upon to perform your own music that they all think someone else wrote this song and I am merely the jongleur. I made sure to not announce that I wrote my song.

I’m going to bed with mixed emotions tonight. I’m so proud of myself for performing for the first time. I’m nervous what Philippe will think and if he knows it was based on truth. I’m happy that Pierre heard my song and knows my true feelings, even if they cannot be acted upon. I’m hopeful that the rest of the community doesn’t realize I was actually singing from the heart. It’s sad that I can never be myself, but at least I have my music to pull me through the long days.

Good night.

“Don’t Be Afraid”

Don’t be afraid to look my way

Your eyes are the only ones I see

Don’t be afraid to say hello

Yours is the only voice I hear

You weren’t supposed to come into my life

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth all the strife

But then I look at you and I know

I’d walk a million miles for you to be my beau

Don’t be afraid of what they might say

Our hearts are the only ones to agree

Don’t be afraid of being below

To me that’s not how you appear

If only we could be together, my life would be complete

Sometimes I wonder why we had to meet

There are nights this suffering is too much to bear

Long nights of sadness and despair

Then I remember you eyes and I remember your smile

And I know it’s all worth it for a glimpse of you every once in a while

Because this would have been performed with music, I wrote music to these lyrics. Due to unexpected compatibility issues with my computer I couldn't record the music, but I think it's important to try and best explain it.

The first and third strophs have the same melody. They go back and forth between the tonic and dominant chord. The first and third lines both end on the dominant chord to show the "unfinishedness" of the phrase. The second and fourth lines end on the tonic to show the completeness of the thought.

The second and fourth strophs have the same melody. They go back and forth between the subdominant and supertonic chords. It never goes back to the tonic, so it sounds a little "off," but still in the key. It reflects that it's a new idea, but not completely out there. The fourth stroph ends on a minor submediant chord, the only minor chord in the song. The lyric here is "despair." This word painting emphasizes the sadness of this verse.

The coda goes back and forth between the tonic and dominant. It goes back and forth often, to show how often she changes her mind, but ends of course on tonic, representing that she eventually feels resolved.